No, Éponine is NOT the Star of Les Miz!
by Nienna Tindomerel
Summary: Aka: Parody of Éponine and Marius. What do you get when you take one hyper, deranged, twelve-year-old, Les Misèrables, and first impressions? This stupid fic! Batteries not included. I was inspired to write after I read Kang Xiu's
1. A Note From the Author

Be very afraid! *laughs evilly* Eponine Enjolras has made a first impressions fic! I HATE, HATE HATE, Marius/Eponine fic. I guess this could also be called a parody of 'Ponine/Marius fic. YAY!  
  
I actually DO sorta like Cosette (ahh! Stop pelting me with those grapefruits!), yes, you read that right. Read it again, see if I care! Ugh. BAD musical. Cosette, I think, has more than a heart full of love. Cosette has a heart full of goodwill underneath that frilly dress! I DO like Éponine, too, she is actually my favorite character. (Oh, great, now Cosette fans are shining the sun in my eyes. . .)  
  
This really *was* my first impressions. I did NOT make this up for my own pleasure, you can see that if you read the Enjy part. *shudder* *shudder* *terrifying shudder* *tries hard not to puke* I have a feeling I'm going to get lots of flames. . . FLAME ME!!!!  
  
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About a year ago, there was (and still is) a girl named Ying-hua who was roaming about on the Internet, to be specific, Lea Salonga sites. She learned a little bit about Les Misèrables, read an extremely small part of a very pro-Éponine fic that didn't speak much of Cosette, and thus the Author acquired her first impressions, which goes something like this. . . 


	2. Éponine, aka MarieSuzette

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Once, there was a girl named Éponine. She was homeless, and dirty, yet she was beautiful and kind (hey, stop laughing!). Beautiful and kind. . .just like her mother. (yes, I CAN see you making fun of me right now) But her father was mean and evil (whee! Synonyms!) and forced her to marry an old, fat, ugly, toothless robber named. . .Montparnasse (dear God, if I'd only know how 'Parnasse looked like. . .). Our lovely (lady) Éponine didn't want to be married off.  
  
So Éponine's kind and LOVELY *cough* *snort* *choke* mother pleaded on her behalf, but noooo, Éponine's father would not hear of it. So our dear Marie-Suze-*sees glares from Éponine fans* Ahem, I mean, *Éponine* ran away, and fell asleep on the street.  
  
There was a certain passerby who went by the title "Monsieur Le Baron Marius Pontmercy". He found the girl, and took her home, thinking, /She's beautiful!/ (Oh, will you guys shut UP??!?)  
  
The next morning, Éponine got up and stumbled into a handsome man.  
  
"Hello!" The Baron said.  
  
"Hello!" Éponine said.  
  
Announcer: And now we take a commercial break, showing a clip of "The Life of Jean Valjean" complete with Javert pics! Not what you think! Stay tuned!  
  
Author(sighing): Dear God, what has my deranged mind been up to? *to the wonderful reviewers* Oh, la di da. . .I love flames! *skips away happily, leaving reviewers to scoff at her* 


	3. Minor Characters Are Introduced, And The...

Author(comes back in and turns on the TV): YAY! Jean Valjean! I hope I'm not late!  
  
Announcer(scowling): Erg, I HATE you! You can do whatever you want to the characters, you're the Author!  
  
Author(quite nicely, considering how rude M. Annoucer was): Oh. I forgot that. . .oh, and by the way. . .*screams these words loudly* My name is to be spoken with reverence!  
  
Annoucer(trembling in fear): Y-yes, Mamez-zelle Auth-thor!  
  
Author(sighing): That's better. Now if I can do whatever I want, then leave.  
  
Announcer: But-  
  
Author: NOW! Or. . . *snaps fingers, Annoucer becomes furry, green, and bumpy* Uh oh.He's a dog, and a frog. Oh, well, who cares?  
  
Announcer: Bark, bark!  
  
Author:*snaps again* Begone, back in your cell! *Announcer magically disappears* Now where was I? Ahh. . .instead of that commecial thingy. . . I think I'll make a mini-program of Valjean's life. Everybody hates commercials, right? However, I needed a younger actor for Valjean. . .anyway, let it begin.  
  
Narrator: Our story begins in a little town somewhere in the world. Sometimes it was Paris, sometimes it was New York, sometimes it was Madrid. (Yes, Jen, I also thought he was really young, and lived in New York, but it rotated around those three cities that you have just previously read.) And we have a stupid Authoress who likes to talk to her friends in her fanfics. . .  
  
Author: SHUT UP!!  
  
Narrator (not talking offense by the rude and omnipotent Auther): There was once an young man named Jean Valjean. We also have an obsessive policeman who enjoys putting people in jail for no reason. . .  
  
Javert(to a woman walking): Go to jail!  
  
Woman: But-  
  
Javert(through clenched teeth): I said, "Go to jail!"  
  
Woman: Then take me there! But dear Lord, what did I do?  
  
Javert(dragging woman out): You were WALKING!  
  
Narrator: . . .or for strange reasons. Most people tried to avoid him. Javert would put them in jail for that. So they stayed in their houses. So you know what he did. There weren't many people left in New York, Paris, or Madrid *Author glares at Narrator, narrator doesn't notice* But enough of the ugly old Inspector. (receives glare from La Pamplemousse and other Javert fans, Narrator doesn't care. I know she'll wait, I kno-oh, yeah. Sorry.) So, Jean Valjean was bored one night, and decided to take a night walk, looking at all of the lovely shops in Paris, New York and Madrid.  
  
Author: Hey, don't say that!  
  
Narrator: Oh, but this is your first impressions! It must be like that, otherwise it wouldn't be-  
  
Author: Yeah, yeah, whatever! Go on! Wait, no pause! Long, climax pause!  
  
Narrator: This isn't the climax!  
  
Author: Whatever. 


	4. A Rather Strange Disclaimer Message

This is a pointless Disclaimer chapter, written because I planned to, because Brittany told me to, and because Brittany and Jen made me rather happy over something, which made me hyper, which explains the insanity of this part, but I still find this rather amusing.  
  
***  
  
Author: Oops. . . I forgot to do disclaimers! So, Les Misèrables does NOT belong to me, it belongs to Victor Hugo, he wouldn't approve of this, but, ah, who cares? He's dead, it's not like he can sue me or anything! HAHA!!!!  
  
V H(rises from the dead like those things in cartoons): I HAVE BEEN REINCARNATED!!  
  
Author: AAH! Wait, not reincarnated, just raised from the dead. Whew!  
  
V H: Ah, well. That doesn't matter. What matters is: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY MASTERPIECE??! Darn you, this is so distorted!  
  
Author: Yup! MWAHAHA, I am the Author!  
  
V H: Wha? Wait a second, no! *I* am Le Author! *I* own Les Misèrables!  
  
Author: B-but I'm the omnipotent one!  
  
V H: MWAHAHA!!! ::proceeds to chase Author around::  
  
Author: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  
  
V H: I shall get REVENGE!!  
  
Author: AH!!!! Help me!  
  
V H: Why should I?  
  
Author: Oh, yeah! I can get rid of him! If the Announcer can turn into a dog-frog. . . *snaps fingers, nothing happens except for that V H continues chasing Author* Hey, what happened?  
  
V H: Ha! I'm not fictional! You can't make real people turn into cows and kittens!  
  
Author: Oh, yeah. . . AAHHH!!! Stop it, O Everomnipotent Author!  
  
V H: No, this is fun! You'll go the the Bastille, once I catch you!  
  
Author: AHH!!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! *wakes up, sweating profusely* Oh, it was only one of those nightmares. . . 


	5. Jail! Ah, what a delicious word, especia...

Oh, yeah, letters to the reviewers, starting with my sister. . .  
  
Meepy (aka Suz, haha, kill me, I put your name on the Internet): Because I don't want my computer to be so vulnerable! You must get on the Internet. I shall not leave my computer unattended anymore, so that you don't flame sweet775! She doesn't deserve flames! Oh, yeah, and that "In-seine" thing has a disclaimer, which you failed to mention. You're evil. You steal.  
  
Sweet775: Whoo-hoo, I like things that suck and are stupid!  
  
La Pamplemousse: Yes, I like climatic pauses. Yeah, this is weird, I know, but . . . I am also weird beyond all reason, so, yeah, I have an excuse. I forget *why* I thought about Madrid, but, yeah. . .  
  
Miru-chan: YAY! You reviewed! WHOO-HOO! I was wondering why you didn't come back. . . I was like, well, maybe I'm wasting her time or something, she has a right to leave. . . anyway. . .  
  
La Pamplemousse: Into my nightmares Victor Hugo comes, stalking as a tiger would a . . .uh. . . uhm. . . what does a tiger eat anyway?  
  
Danica Enjolras: Yeah, I do. It scares the crap out of me!  
  
Vest-Button: Yay! My story is amusing! And funny! WHEE!  
  
LesMisLoony: You say this story is confusing? *I* am confusing. Yes, I shall join LP in her quest to wipe out the Lizzie McGuire movie and fan population! MWAHAHA! If any of you out there liked that movie, I pity you. Wait, was that mean?  
  
Hehe, back to the insanity!  
  
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Author (still shaking from her nightmare): O-okay. . . are we ready?  
  
Announcer: Bark, bark!  
  
Author: G-go away! *Announcer hops away*  
  
Narrator: We're ready, are you having a seizure?  
  
Author: No. . .just a. . .nightmare. . .*recovers* but oh well. Back to Jean Valjean!  
  
Narrator: So here is young Jean Valjean, looking into the windows of a random little shop. . .  
  
Valjean: Whee! Lookkit the pretty little dollie! Ooh, I wannit! (I would've made him say "teddy bear" but those weren't invented yet, so yeah. . .)  
  
Javert(stepping out of pretty much nowhere): Come with me, 24601!!  
  
Valjean: What is "24601"?  
  
Javert: Oops. *regains composure, with a clear of the throat* Nonetheless, you must go to jail for attempting to steal from this harmless shop!  
  
Valjean: NO! Aah, halp me! I've done no wrong, sweet Jesus hear my prayer!  
  
Javert: Shut up.  
  
Valjean: Someone help me!  
  
Narrator: Of course, no one does, because they are all afraid of Javert's wrath. So poor Jean Valjean is given a lifelong jail sentence for looking at a shop. He grows old and crusty and dies a senile and insane old dude.  
  
Author: Oh. My. God. That was like, really, REALLY stupid.  
  
Narrator(sighing): Mademoiselle, it was your doing!  
  
Author: It was?  
  
Narrator: Yes, it was! Oh, boy. . .okay, think back. Remember?  
  
Author: Oh, yeah. . .  
  
NEXT CHAPTER: COSETTE ENTERS THE STORY! AS WELL AS FANTINE! AND THOLOMYÉS!-- ------  
  
YAY! Review! Or else I shall take my cute little Cowgirl Cosette, whom I have recently acquired, and send her after you! Yeehaw! :) 


	6. Poor Cosette Poor Fantine Pity them

Author: Wow, I've just cleared out two characters!  
  
Javert(taps his foot): Ahem. . .you cleared away ONE character.  
  
Author: Oh, yeah! I think you magically disappeared or someone murdered you. I can't remember. Either way, the streets are safer now. No more Javert!  
  
(La Pamplemousse (if you want outta here, just tell me) grabs the unsuspecting Javert, and drags him away very quickly, and Javert is too surprised to protest. No one takes notice of this.)  
  
Author: Even though Javert is still-wait! Javert? Where'd you go? Javert? JAVERT!?!! What happened to him?  
  
Narrator: Just what you said! He magically disappeared!  
  
Author: Oh, wow! Anyway, let's get on to Cosette.  
  
La. Here's the note for this chapter: THIS IS TOTALLY MESSED UP. I HOPE I DON'T MAKE YOU SICK. Yeah, Fantine and Cosette switch places. Eww. . .  
  
Narrator: There was once a nice respectable eighteen-year-old girl named Cosette, and one day she was roaming about her hometown, Paris-  
  
Author: My mind says Chicago!  
  
Narrator: Are you sure?  
  
Author: Yes!  
  
Narrator: Fine, whatever you say. . . There was once a nice respectable eighteen-year-old girl named Cosette, and one day she was roaming about her hometown, CHICAGO. (Author grins) And then she bumped into a man of about twenty.  
  
Author: May I have your attention, readers and those present! *waits until she has everyone's attention* Yes! This man is the renowned Fèlix Tholomyès! But I didn't know that a year ago!  
  
Fantine(near tears): Nooooo! Even as much as I love my daughter, Cosette just can't have him! I loved my pookie-pie Fèlix! I *still* love him! *hugs herself, and does begin crying*  
  
Author(snickering): Well, Fantine, I have big plans for you. . .  
  
Fantine: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! SPARE ME!!!!!  
  
Author(rolls eyes): Come *on*, I mean, you're going to be, like, the main character.  
  
Fantine(wiping her eyes): I'm still scared.  
  
Narrator (looks quite pissed): AHEM!! As I was saying. . .  
  
Author: Oh, sorry. . .  
  
Narrator: So, Cosette falls in love with this man-  
  
Author: Fèlix Tholomyès!  
  
Narrator: Stop interrupting!  
  
Author: Sorry!  
  
Narrator: Okay, so Cosette loves this man and becomes his girlfriend. After only a month, they were married, and had a child.  
  
Fantine: Hey! That's not fair! She got married! I wanna get married! *begins to cry again*  
  
Author: Be quiet and just wait!  
  
Narrator: Will you both just SHADDUP! (Author and Fantine both become as silent as a rock.) All right. Now don't speak for ten minutes, either of you! God, that'd be a miracle. Anyway, after Cosette and this young man become married, they have a daughter, whom they name Fantine. Fantine was a v-  
  
Fantine(screeching): No! Not me! God, help!  
  
Cosette: EEEEEWWWWW!!!! I'm going to puke!  
  
Narrator (who had not ceased speaking): --lue eyes. But the evil husband was bored with this quiet life. So one day, he announced to Cosette that he was leaving, and not coming back. He strutted out the door, despite Cosette's pleading.  
  
Cosette:Yuck! Why would I want to stay with m-my *looks like she's going to retch* father?  
  
Narrator(to Cosette): Cosette, hush! (to everyone else) Cosette's husband walks out the door, and is immediately struck down by lightning.  
  
Author: WHOO-HOO! Death to the le evil Tholomyès who abandons! *does a very interesting dance in the middle of the floor*  
  
Fantine: Ugh. What a passion.  
  
THE DEMENTEDNESS RETURNS NEXT CHAPTER! REJOICE! 


	7. This is the Results from a Girl Who Has ...

Uff da. I had to raise the rating. Too much caution, perhaps, but, yeah, just in case.  
  
Let's see. . .I think we're done with minor characters, which would be a good thing, non? So we can get back to the deranged story! But first, I shall do my reviewing letters and a SHORT disclaimer. Ugh. Don't report me for that chapter. It helped with the storyline!! So it belongs in the story, but it has more uses. Yeah. I have my arguments. If you dare report this, I shall stalk you! Anyway. . .  
  
LesMisLoony: Yay! At least *some*one liked the stupid switching!  
  
Elyse3: It may happen to be the strangest thing you've ever read when we get to the end. You might even feel the urge to send me to a mental institution. . .  
  
La Pamplemousse: Tholomyès? Oh, God. . . well. . .I guess he *is* a little bit like Bahorel. . . WHEE! I'm going to draw a picture of Javvie with tie- dyed sideburns!! I don't exactly *love* Javert, but I chase him around and annoy him just as much and make him think that I love him! Enjy doesn't let me do that. *pout* He lives under my bed. In a barricade of Les Miz books, DVD's, and soundtracks, PRC! Legal copy! AGH!!! Oh, lookey, I'm rambling. . .  
  
JEN!: JEN! YAY! You revieeeeeeeeeewed! I'm soo happy, I could run all the way to Minnesota! UFF DA! I'm on a Brittany quote high! Haha. WHOO! Yeah. I'm definitely going for messed up. Wow, and I expected everyone to hate this fic. . .HI JEN! Haha. I'm a weirdo.  
  
The rather short disclaimer: I own Les Misèrables! I DO! Two of them are books, two of them are soundtracks, one of them is a DVD, and I have a 24601 shirt and a Cosette mug. I do not own Kang Xiu's "First Impressions", it belongs to Kang Xiu (uh, duh?) but this was inspired by it, but not based off of. To my great horror, I have just discovered that I do not own Enjy. *screams* He lives under my bed! I am smuggling illegal priceless goods! Oh, well. However, I do own my lost Chi Pao and all of the ice cream in the freezer, and you may not take either of them without my permission. Thank you!  
  
Wait, that wasn't short. Oh well!  
  
Okay, back to the insanity. . .  
  
BEFORE I GET BACK TO LE GORGEOUS ÉPPY-SUE, LET ME SAY ONE MORE THING ABOUT COSETTE ET FANTINE!. . .  
  
Cosette was happy without her deceased husband and raised Fantine all by herself. La, la, let's go forward fifteen years. . . Fantine was very pretty, but mind you, not nearly as beautiful as Éponine!  
  
Okay. Back to the demented story.  
  
"Hello!" The Baron said.  
  
"Hello!" Éponine said.  
  
They could not think of anything to say, they just stared at each other! (Stupid-ish romantic music plays in the background.)  
  
"Iloveyou!" Éponine finally confessed hurriedly, she didn't mean to, it just happened!  
  
"Me too!" Marius screeched joyfully and promptly began to do a dumb little dance right in the middle of the floor. *Oh, he is so charming!* Éponine thought happily to herself, then a wonderful idea came into her head.  
  
"Oh, let us get married!" Éponine clasped her hands dreamily. (Author pukes, this is worse that Cosette and Tholomyès. . . bleh!) Marius stopped dancing.  
  
"What a lovely idea, my darling!" Marius went over and held Éponine's dainty little white hand. She shivered in pure delight, and opened her mouth to say something, but. . .  
  
All of a sudden, down the Rue de la Something-ette, Enjolras bursts into a loud rendition of Do You Hear the People Sing? (Author almost typed Lord of the Rings *snicker*) Also, Author learned about seven songs from MIDI. First was "On My Own", then "Do You Hear the People Sing?" I imagined Enjy's voice so. . . different than from what I heard. Michael Maguire scared me! I'm like, that's not Enjolras! So this Enjy sounds more light and. . . FURRY. Wait, furry doesn't make sense. Anyway. . .  
  
Marius gasped and his lovely complexion turned waxy.  
  
"No! Oh, my dear, beautiful, lovely gorgeous, cuddly, soft, white-toothed *goes on for five minutes listing every good adjective for Éponine)---y, my precious darling cherry chocolate truffle . . .erm. . . what's your name?"  
  
"Éponine." Éponine said, pronouncing her lovely name as clear as crystal. (Somehow, right now I see her as Arwen. DO NOT ASK.) "And yours?"  
  
"I am Le Baron Marius Pontmercy." Marius made a large bow. "I'm fighting in the war!"  
  
"I like to fight!" Éponine said, kicking off the covers, and throwing off any dignity that she had with her lack of clothes. Errr. . .she *had* clothes on, they are rags, but CLEAN rags. . .  
  
"But we all shall die! Do not go and fight, my *looooooong adjective usage* Éponine!"  
  
"Oh, no! My *more purdy-ful adjectives* Marius is suicidal! You cannot be! I fight to stay alive, not to die!"  
  
"But I will live *begins to sing opera-style* foooooor YYYYYOOOOOOUUUU!!!!!"  
  
"Oh, I'm flattered, Marius!!" La. I'm getting nowhere. So next time, let me skip to three days later. . .  
  
. . .THREE MORE DAWNS! THREE DAYS MORE! Haha. *comes back an hour later* OH MY GOD! I canNOT believe I just wrote that! It's sooo dumb! Wait, it's supposed to be dumb. Now maybe people will flame me. Yes, this is what happens when you eat chocolate icing. It makes you shhhlitttelieee *hYpuR*- iSh. . . 


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